I have been in love with the same guy for over 6 years... We met in grade school and became really close friends. He was someone that always could cheer me up no matter what the situation was. He was also that someone that could infuriate me like no other. We were there for each other when necessary, never too much never too little just enough to let each other know we could count on one another. Like any friendship, we also had a lot of ups and downs over the years always to the point where we didn't know if we could continue to be in each other's lives but somehow ever time we always come back to each other as cliche as it sounds. It took me a long time to realize that I had feelings for him and when I did finally tell him things didn't end up so well... He didn't feel the same way and we ended up not speaking for a long time but like always we made up and things were good for a long time. Although I have dated other people and been in relationships (he too), things never felt right with those guys. There was always something missing and I would always try to compare them to HIM. For the longest time I had to push myself not to think about him which was easier said then done. You would think after declaring my love for him and having him reject me, my feelings would at least diminish but nope they just increased especially when our friendship turned into one with benefits. I am not going to go into details here I'm sure you guys can figure it out or imagine what I mean. It definitely was not one of my best decisions I had ever made in my life, but I don't regret it. I knew that I own it to myself to explore that intimate side and if I didn't I would regret it. I am the type of person to try everything at least once. Life is too short and I want to experience all that I can no matter bad or good. During this period both of us were single (or so I thought at that time) and it was honestly one of the best times with him. It wasn't the physical aspect that made it great it was how we connected emotionally. We talked about EVERYTHING from family issues, school, work nothing was off limits. I became more comfortable with myself as a person and a lot of my insecurities went away. He was also more loving in front of our friends and was happy to see me at some event he didn't expect me at and always reached out to hang out more. From the beginning I knew this whole situation was casual. Our friendship was real but everything else wasn't. Eventually I did find out he was dating someone and no he did not have the guts to tell me. I found out on Facebook. He did manage to tell my best friend when we were out eating lunch with our friends.
In the back of my mind I knew this thing we had was coming to an end. He was posting endless amount of Facebook pictures with this new girl more than he did with his previous girlfriends. They went on trips together and ended up meeting each other's families in a matter of weeks. Things were moving along really fast but pathetically I still had hope. We ended up keeping touch although not as much as our schedules got even busier and us living farther apart from each other.
One day he told me there were some big changes in his life and he wanted to talk to me face to face about it. He said he didn't want to talk about it over text messaging. A part of me was excited thinking maybe he broke up with her and wanted to talk about us maybe but deep down in my gut I knew whatever news he had to tell me probably wasn't something I wanted to hear. Turns out my gut was right. He proposed to the girl he had been dating for only 9 months and the worst part was once again I found out through Facebook because every girl in the world has to post this type of news on their Facebook to make if truly official. There are no words to describe the pain I felt when I found out. I was surprised at myself that even with all that pain I kept myself together and messaged him congrats. I guess maybe I was in shock because when it comes to situations like this, situations that involved HIM I get very emotional. It took me awhile but I did eventually break down. I haven't stopped crying since. The only time I don't cry is when I have to suck it up for work and school related business. Thankfully I am in a rehabilitation and mental health counseling program so I get release now and then at school if I really can't hold it in. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can't believe this is real. I have talked a little with my best friend about this because she is the only one that really knows what is going on, but no matter how much I talk it doesn't seem to be helping. It is amazing and odd at the same time how much physical pain I am dealing with compared to emotional pain. I also feel worthless because here I am studying and training to be a mental health counselor and I cannot even console myself. I don't want to get up in the morning because I know nothing has changed. He is getting married. He is getting married to a girl he has known for 9 months...
As of now he has no clue what I am feeling. I haven't had the chance to sit down and really talk to him. I also don't want to be selfish and ruin this time for him. I don't know if he will read this and get angry at me for telling guys all this. I don't know if our friendship will even survive this. Even when I do fully move on from him one day, there will always be a part of me that will always love him.
Sincerely,
my broken heart
